I remember that night
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: Sequel to "Because at the end". When her daughter is about to turn sixteen, Karen has to deal with her own past and the fears it might get repeated with her own child. Thank you, miss H.
1. Prologue

**_I remember that night, the moon was shining high_**

Prologue

Karen's legs refused to carry her for a second more and so she sat down on the floor or better said her body slid along the couch before landing a bit awkwardly on the carpet, trapped between the coffee table and the linen seat. She felt empty, breathless as if it had stolen her whole energy and she was left lifeless in the middle of her living-room on a Wednesday afternoon. Her hazel eyes caught it and she couldn't help but blush. She growled, angry before her ridiculous reaction then leaned her chin on the palm of her hand and fixed the silver wrapping waiting sagely in front of her. A thousand of questions were rushing to her head, making fun of her for having been a bit too innocent. Since when was she easy to fool?

She turned around and took a baby bottle out of an opened cardboard box written "Emma" then put it down on the table, a few inches away from the other item, the one that had reduced to an absolute zero, her reactions. Fifteen years separated both objects; the exact symbols of childhood and a more mature world in which Karen was sure that her daughter hadn't found her place in yet. She closed her eyes as a wave of memories rushed back to her heart. It seemed like yesterday that she had tended the test to Will, showing him the positive sign on the stick with a shaking hand. It had been so erratic at the beginning that she had been afraid he would go away, not at all prepared or even less feeling like having a family. She had stayed quiet, unable to speak; avoiding his gaze until his lips had captured hers and she had burst into tears, relieved.

Someone opened the door of the flat. Panicked, Karen grabbed the squared silver wrapping and made it disappear under a pile of magazines. She was arranging them when Will and Emma arrived in the living-room and stopped, looking at her in disbelief. Very slowly the teenager put down her shoulder bag, her eyes wide open. She looked scared, taken aback by the scene of her mother sitting down right on the floor, barefoot in her red silk pajamas.

"Mom, are you okay?"

Karen frowned and cleared her voice before smiling forcefully. She stood up and opened her mouth to reply some reassuring comment but her gaze stopped on Emma. She made the connection and her heart tightened under the failure. When had she gone wrong with her own child? When had the teenager begun to lie?

She passed her hand through her messy hair and nodded; looking down.

"Yes I'm fine. There're cookies somewhere in the kitchen if you're hungry. I need to talk to your father in private, just for a second or two."

She motioned to their bedroom at Will but her mysterious reply only managed to get daughter and father even more anxious. It's when Karen realized that they had been staring at the baby bottle all along when the plastic item had been discarded for so long yet; as soon as Emma had been in age to live without it.

Will swallowed hard and narrowed his eyes at her dubitatively.

"You're not… Are you… I mean…"

Karen gasped and shook her head vehemently then forced a laugh. She rolled her eyes.

"No, I'm not pregnant!"

"Oh boy, thank you! Because having a baby hanging around here is the last thing I want right now."

Emma turned away and headed to her bedroom; slammed the door as almost immediately music resounded loud. Karen bit her lips, trying to swallow her daughter's comment and it took her an impressive amount of patience not to yell that, yes, she already knew about it. Instead she looked at Will and burst into tears but before he could take her in his arms, she had already hurried to the bathroom and locked the door behind her. Sometimes, as much as she loved her family, she wished she could have her own time, far from everyone. Perhaps then things wouldn't look that bad.

The dinner got wrapped up into an awkward atmosphere punctuated by Karen's incomprehensible sobs when she used to be so talkative. Pouring some water in her glass, Emma looked at her mother and took a deep breath.

"There's a party at Margot's place on Saturday… Do you mind if I go there?"

Karen put down her fork but stayed silent, staring blankly at her plate. Before her weird reaction Will nodded.

"We had planned to go to New Jersey for the weekend so if Margot's parents agree with you spending the night over at their place, it's okay for us. Isn't it, Karen?"

Like a zombie Karen looked up at Will then at her daughter.

"Yes, I suppose so…"

Emma rolled her eyes and pouted. Will smiled. She always looked like Karen when she did that.

"Hide your enthusiasm, mom. I'm not attending an orgy!"

The teenager's self-confidence vanished right away as Karen gave her a frosty look. She straightened on her chair, trying to avoid her mother's gaze.

"Well, you'd better not, Emma!"

Will poured some more wine in his glass. The conflict had exploded, again; and all he could do before Karen and their daughter's stubbornness was to let it go by itself. It would get worst if he actually said something.

"Oh boy I can't believe you said that, like I'm a whore! Anyway we all know that children's behaviors are only the mirror of the education their parents gave them."

Karen clenched her fists and started breathing loud but for once she didn't even need to say the slightest thing out loud. Emma left the table and rushed to her bedroom. She slammed the door in a bitter common gesture.

"Are you alright?"

Will put a hand on her shoulder; Karen looked down and shrugged, sat on the edge of the bed. Emma was deeply asleep now but she hadn't managed to say to Will about the little silver wrapping still hidden under a pile of fashion magazines. She took off her top and closed her eyes, leaned her head backwards as he passed his legs around her and came to sit down in her back. His fingers slid on her stomach. He kissed her neck.

"I'm just afraid she might be growing up too fast…"

Will stopped and locked his eyes with hers. He caressed her cheek and smiled. Karen bit her lower lip.

"So many things can happen when you're about to turn sixteen, honey."

The memories invaded her heart and she started suffocating in silence. He took her in his arms; rocked her pain.

_I remember that night, Emma. I closed the door, turned around. I looked up at the sky and I saw the moon. It was shining high. I took it as a good sign._

_I was wrong; sixteen and so wrong._


	2. Whatever Emma's thinking about

**_Whatever Emma's thinking about_**

Karen's hand slid on the counter and stopped in front of Jack. Her fingers released the squared silver wrapping and she waited in silence. She would have loved being able to say something but the words stayed trapped in the depths of her slight shame. Jack blinked as a bright smile played on his lips.

"Is that a proposition, Karen? I didn't know that things were going slow with Will lately."

At the call of his name, Karen looked at Will through the French windows. He was talking joyfully with Grace, a fork in hand while the smoke of barbecue was vanishing in the pale blue night of New Jersey. She frowned and shook her head.

"It belongs to Emma. I found it by accident in the pockets of her jeans. And I don't know what to do with it."

The tears rushed back to her eyes and she put a shaking hand over her mouth to stifle the sobs; then sighed. She was acting ridiculous. After all it was just a condom.

"Oh, come here."

Jack opened his arms and let her settle in for a hug that she gladly accepted.

"Perhaps she wasn't planning to use it so soon and even so, at least she's being careful. You should be proud of that. She's not a little girl anymore, that's all. We can't prevent her from growing up."

Jack looked at Will then at Karen and closed his eyes before adding.

"We can't prevent some things from happening."

"I know, honey. I just wish she would have told me about it before. I feel like she left me behind and as much as I would try, I would never be able to catch her up."

Jack opened his mouth to reply but got cut off by Grace's voice sounded through the living-room put a logical end to their conversation.

"The dinner's ready."

There was a warm breeze floating in the air that night like a quiet prelude to the summer. They ate in the backyard, rocked by the lights of The Upper West Side that were glimmering over The Hudson and it was just that, a couple of words and sincere smiles, that made Karen relax and put the complex relationship she was having with Emma into parenthesis. A glass of red wine in hand she leaned against Will's chest, her eyes fixed on Grace who was telling some story about her divorce with Leo. Jack smiled at the scene that had become a common gesture through the years, passing unnoticed. But his mind was far from the tenderness emanating from their friends' relationship. He had stayed focalized on Karen's words and the fear that had invaded her eyes for a few seconds. She wasn't fine.

_The house was plunged in the dark and everyone had fallen asleep. My mother had come into my bedroom and kissed my forehead, murmuring she was sorry. I had kept my eyes closed the whole time but my fists were so clutched that I thought I would bleed. I didn't hear her excuse, the sincere tone of her voice. I was way too angry for that and all I could picture was my bag, waiting in a corner. She closed the door, leaving me alone. And then I knew it had to be that night._

Karen opened her eyes and rolled on her side; nine in the morning. She stretched and got up since Will wasn't there. She loved when he waited for her to wake up and the first minutes of the day flew away in their quiet embrace, listening peacefully of how his heart pounded loud against the palm of her hand. She stepped into the corridor and noticed the dark under Jack and Grace's respective bedrooms. She went downstairs slowly, barefoot; her skin caressing the warm wooden-floor.

Even after all these years, all these weekends spent over there, she still could barely believe that the house of her childhood had come back in her hands. With a meticulous precision Karen had supervised the works and the result sounded perfect. She had kept the main lines alive so that as soon as she stepped into a room, she could picture a moment from the past because it was so good to remember an old and reassuring time.

She crossed the living-room, filled a mug of tea and headed outside. She could see Will's head poking above the back of the deckchair. She approached then stopped, standing up next to him. Will used to sit down there and observe Manhattan in the fog of a lazy morning when the city seemed to wake up extremely slowly. Her hand brushed his shoulder. He grabbed her fingers and she straddled him then leaned over to plant a soft kiss on his lips. She took a sip of tea and smiled.

"Good morning…"

She shivered and brought the mug closer to her lips just to let the steam of the drink caress her face. Will's hands slid underneath the silk of her negligee, travelling up her hips; she raised an eyebrow, smirking.

She didn't move and let him do, staring at him in silence. She was succumbing to his caresses little by little when his comment made her straighten up a bit harshly.

"Someone forgot a condom on the countertop of the kitchen. I didn't know that this house held such activities by night…"

Karen cleared her voice, obviously troubled and embarrassed. She locked her eyes with Will's and frowned; putting down her mug on a teak coffee table.

"We have to talk honey but please, promise me you won't get mad."

Will's smile froze as his hands went away from Karen's hips. This was never the right way to start a new morning.


	3. When it started falling apart

**_When it started falling apart_**

The day Karen had given birth to Emma, the woman in the room next door had lost her child. Midwives and doctors hadn't managed to keep the baby alive and the monitor had suddenly turned silent, way too early; just in a poor and ridiculous attempt to hide the monotonous sound of death on the machine. She had turned around in her bed and stared at her daughter sleeping peacefully in a transparent crib while the cries of agony of the mourning mother were passing through the doors, reaching her heart and tightening it with an unfair violence. She had understood then that life was fragile and within a second you could be left with nothing but some frustrating memories of a time that would have passed too quickly.

For quite a while Karen had felt like she had been disconnected from Emma's world in an abrupt motion. All of a sudden the warmness of a gaze had got strengthened and the words had become rare if not inexistent for turning into an uncontrollable rage almost immediately. She missed their conversations, the way they used to laugh and understand each other through a simple smile; a hand on a shoulder. She wasn't allowed in her daughter's heart anymore, even less in her head and while the days were passing by, Karen prayed in silence that it would be alright. She knew it was just adolescence and the deep desire to get autonomy but she couldn't help thinking about the way some events could turn sometimes, more or less unexpectedly.

She closed her eyes and sighed as the smell of the cigarette went to her head dizzily. It wasn't as good as sex but it was still worth it. Karen stretched her legs and sat down on the fire escape. A thin shade of blue sky was piercing through the row of the buildings she was trapped between as the heat of June was caressing Will's basil in a sweet and fresh scent.  
Emma poked her head through the window of the kitchen and looked at her mother.

"I'm done. Can I go now?"

Karen nodded in silence, smoking absent-mindedly then looked in disbelief as the teenager joined her on the large metallic ground. Emma passed her legs through the window and came to sit down next to her without saying a word. A few seconds flew away before Karen frowned.

"Do you smoke?"

The question surprised the teenager who gasped and shook her head, obviously hurt even though Karen barely doubted that she hadn't at least tried once. She wasn't so naïve either.

"Never mind, honey…"

"Don't call me honey. It makes me feel sick."

She closed her eyes and realized that her daughter's comment hadn't touched her as if her body had finally got accustomed to sharp remarks and she couldn't feel the kicks anymore. Was she dead inside?

She concentrated on a point and visualized Will. She thought about the discussion she had had with him in New Jersey in the first hours of the morning. It had troubled him but curiously enough he hadn't thrown a fit and let it go. Karen envied his wisdom; the way he was so patient and calm before existence. Perhaps she would have become identical if she hadn't had to face a couple of things.

"Have you lost your virginity?"

This time her hazel eyes looked straight at the building opposite the street; she swallowed hard, waiting for an answer.

"What the hell are you talking about? It's none of your business, damn it! I can't believe that…"

Emma stood up and stormed away as Karen couldn't help but jump under the sudden and violent reaction of the teenager. She frowned, sighed; murmured inaudible apologies. But it was too late and Emma had already come back in and slammed the door of her bedroom.

"I didn't want to hurt you, honey. Emma, I mean… I'm sorry."

The words slid on her lips harshly, burning her throat. She leaned her forehead against the palm of her hand and swallowed back her tears, sobbing in silence.

When had everything ceased? When had it started falling apart and she hadn't noticed it in time? She thought about Mason and Olivia; Beverly Leslie. How come she could stand up to so many people but be so afraid of her own child? It didn't sound right at all.

_The street was deserted at this hour of the night. I started heading to the bus stop when a car coming from nowhere, slowed down next to me. I couldn't see the driver's face; it was too dark and the window was up. I jumped when I heard the 'click' of the backdoor. I looked at it for a moment then stepped into the car. I knew it was crazy but at least I felt alive, vaguely important. The suburban houses speeded past as he drove off and I never came back._

She finished her cigarette, landed in the kitchen and closed the window behind her. She poured some water in a glass, started drinking it then finally noticed the item on the table. She made a few steps forward and grabbed the birth control pill box. She frowned.

"Are you satisfied?"

Emma's voice made her jump. She looked up at her, expressionless. The teenager was leaned on the wall leading to the corridor, her arms crossed on her chest; a foot impatiently hitting the floor.  
Karen would have wished so much to take her daughter in her arms and tell her that she loved her more than anything in the world but her jaw began to shake instead. She passed next to the teenager and threw her the box, looking at her coldly.

"I hope you're having a blast."

Karen didn't stop and went straight to her own bedroom, slamming the door behind her.


	4. Our Sunday mornings

**_Our Sunday mornings_**

Will's thrusts speeded up. Karen closed her eyes and arched her back, sighing heavily under the weight of his body on hers; the heat of his skin embracing hers in a merging motion. Her hand slid through his nape before holding his head tightly as his lips were tracing a path on her bare shoulders. He caressed her hip, went up to her breasts as the well-known wave of warmness began to spread in her lower stomach, very soon invading her legs; rushing to her head. She squeezed his waist and stayed still, unable to move as her orgasm took possession of her with strength. She responded to his deep and sensual kiss though he loved capturing her lips while she was shivering and her moan got absorbed by his mouth as he reached his own ecstasy.

Will leaned his forehead against Karen's and looked at her, breathless. She smiled brightly; he did as well and planted a kiss on her neck then rolled off on his back. The tension was going away slowly as a veil of quietness, pure satisfaction, seemed to be taking care of them. He grabbed her hand, pressed it. She was staring at the ceiling absent-mindedly.

"Are you okay?"

She turned her face and nodded before settling in his arms for one of the moments she loved the most in her relationship with Will. It was all about cuddling, soft and long caresses while the heat of each other was nourishing their hopeful hearts in a tender motion of care. It had never been like that with anyone else. When she used to keep her distance with men, she needed to feel Will against her because it owned a singular but so reassuring aspect.

Her fingers began to wander through his chest. She closed her eyes as the sun pierced by the window and came to slide on the bed. A car passed in the street below, vaguely troubling the silent morning.

"Do you remember our first kiss?"

Will frowned, taken aback by Karen's question. They had kissed a lot, chaste ones; bolder ones. He wasn't sure of which one she was referring to.

"Do you mean when Stanley got into trouble and we happened to have some troubling moments?"

For some reason Will's meticulous way to pick his words sounded cute to her; thought about his answer. She had always gone for him then, always pushing him farer; no matter that she was married and he was one of her best friends. It could have ruined so many things but she couldn't have helped it though.

"No, I'm speaking about the first time your lips brushed mine; our real first kiss."

Will vaguely sat up, still holding Karen in his arms. He nodded and planted a kiss on the top of her head.

"Yes I remember it. It was at Madison Square Gardens, for my birthday. Grace and Jack had dragged us there for a show of Champions on Ice. We were bored and so we took our time at the intermission, wandering somewhere around the bar."

She had just told him that he shouldn't pretend to be happy on his birthday. It wasn't fair. He had nodded, saying that she was right. Then all of a sudden his lips had captured hers in a furtive kiss, leaving her completely taken aback. He had grabbed her hand and headed to Grace to tell her about it but finally went away, pissed off. Karen had stayed on the bench, playing along as if nothing had happened while the heat of his lips were still burning her own ones and she had wished nothing more than to come back to him.

Thirsty, Karen leaned up on her elbow and picked up the bottle of water that was on Will's side of the bed. Her bare stomach brushed his legs as she vaguely passed on top of him to reach it. She took a couple of sips. Will drank too and put it back on the table but his hand got suspended in the air for a few seconds. Someone had left the baby bottle there, Emma's one. He grabbed it and came back to rest against Karen, contemplating the little drawings on the plastic item.

"I kind of miss it, you know. It's been so long… I wish we had another child, Karen."

She made a dubitative face and intertwined her fingers with his over the bottle.

"Children are like cats, honey. They're so cute when young but then it's a lot of hell. Look at what we're dealing with, right now."

She leaned up and put the bottle back on the bedside table before coming closer to Will's face.

"Besides I'm about to turn thirty-six which, even if it's not old, is a bit late for another baby."

Will burst out laughing as Karen winced at him; he raised his eyebrows.

"So thirty-six is it this year?"

Her lips brushed his. She passed on top of him and smiled.

"I will be thirty-six for eternity, honey."

She kissed him deeply as his hands passed around her waist.

Emma was putting some turquoise nail varnish on her tiptoes, feet up on the table of the living-room, when her parent's bedroom door flew open and Karen appeared. The teenager motioned a vague smile as she came back to her activity.

"Good morning, Emma; great color by the way."

Emma looked at her mother, in disbelief. Karen was smiling brightly, absent-mindedly preparing some tea. She turned around and leaned on the countertop, mug in hand. All of a sudden her hazel eyes caught Emma's bit of skin on her lower stomach. She frowned and came closer.

The top that her daughter was wearing had been rolled up a little, by accident.

"What is…"

Karen's hand brushed Emma's stomach but the girl stood up quickly and pulled on her t-shirt. She was blushing, breathing loud.

"It's nothing."

No, it wasn't and she knew it. Karen's brain seemed to stop for a couple of seconds. She could have thrown a fit so easily and for obvious, fair reasons. But images of her own adolescence rushed back to her mind and she instinctively caressed her ankle where she had been tattooed with her foot.

"Show it to me, Emma. I just want to see it."

Her voice had been extremely soft and so Emma accepted. She rolled up her top. It was a small star, almost invisible. For a few seconds Karen didn't say anything but she finally managed a nod.

"I like it. It's a cute one; not as cute as mine of course but still."

Karen put up her foot on the chair and motioned at her ankle. The nightgown she was wearing slid on her leg and showed her hip as one of her shoulders was also naked. Emma narrowed her eyes at her and thought for a moment that her mother could be sexy and approachable when she didn't try to control everything.

"Mine is more precise, honey."

The teenager nodded in silence. Her mother's reaction was troubling. She swallowed hard then shrugged, grabbing her nail varnish bottle.

"You should have sex more often. You seem cooler then, more relaxed."

The remark took Karen aback. She watched, overwhelmed, how her daughter was retreating back to her own bedroom without the slightest embarrassment before the words she had used. Some heat ran up Karen's cheeks and she hesitated, halfway between anger and the pleasant surprise that for once Emma had offered her a compliment. It might have been on an extremely intimate topic but it was still good to hear something nice.

She couldn't help being proud, besides, before the idea that her daughter seemed to have absolutely no problem with her parents' sexuality. It was such a typical spring of embarrassment for most of the people. It showed a certain dose of maturity, an unexpected one.

That's why Karen decided not to get mad at it. A shy smile played on her lips and her thoughts got lost in a whisper.

"I'll take good note of it, honey."

The next time she would put on her negligee though before wrapping herself in her nightgown. She would avoid the peculiar impression to have been walked in on by a third person.

_Nothing happened to me. Call it luck or whatever but I guess that I almost regretted the lack of some assault, any kind of fatal ending for a sixteen-year old girl accepting to step into a stranger's car in the middle of the night. He dropped me out downtown, at the bus station. I didn't know where to go to. I just wanted to leave, so far. I looked up at the next departures. Within ten minutes a bus was leaving for Manhattan. I bought a ticket, hoping that a big city might end up making me disappear._


	5. There's no world halfway

**_There's no world halfway_**

Sometimes Karen wished that time could stop. The heart of New York would become quiet and there would be no noise, no movement. Nothing would go away. It would just be floating above her head but at least for a couple of hours she would have a feeling that everything was alright and so easy; unlike now.

Someone opened the door but she didn't move, didn't turn around. She assumed it was Will and so she simply tightened the pillow she was holding, huddled in bed. He came in every hour or so to plant a kiss on her temple and smile, a bit pointlessly. You always felt disarmed before someone's grief and the slightest gesture of comfort you gave him or her simply sounded awkward.

But nobody touched her. Will's lips remained far from her fair skin as a deep silence was reigning over the room. She opened her eyes; Emma was standing in front of her. She looked worried, her eyes narrowed. Then very slowly she finally came to rest against Karen in an unexpected but needed embrace as if her mother's arms would make it all come back to normal. It was disturbing to see her there, in bed, and so sad, so fragile. A mother was supposed to be strong. She didn't cry.

Emma's gesture took Karen aback but she didn't say a word and gladly accepted the tender moment. It's been so long since the last one. She caressed her daughter's hair as she used to do when Emma was four and had awoken from a nightmare. The teenager relaxed, succumbing to the slow motion. Karen closed her eyes and forced herself not to think about their complicated relationship, all those arguments that were lighting up their days but the image of the birth control pill box rushed back to her mind. She bit her lips. Emma was too young for that. She might not be a child anymore but she wasn't an adult either. She was halfway and there was no world there. It was complicated to find references then; it explained her mistakes, somehow.

"I love you, honey."

Emma broke apart and locked her eyes with her mother's.

"Did you love him too? Did you love Mason as you say you love me?"

Karen stayed silent for a couple of seconds, wondering if the teenager could be jealous of Stanley's son. As much as she had cried at Mason's funeral, she would have never been able to go on if her own daughter had been there, sagely put down in a coffin. That was the main difference.

"I saw him grow up. I got attached to him."

"I don't want to die…"

Emma frowned and for a few seconds Karen felt like she was facing her own reflection in the mirror; the image of a time when she was still young but not that innocent anymore. They looked a lot like each other: sparkling hazel eyes, pale complexion and their dark hair falling in curls over their shoulders.

When she had learnt about her pregnancy, Karen had decided to stop cutting her ebony hair in a symbolic gesture, the desire of a change. Sixteen years had passed by and you forgot about this odd decision until the moment she finally released her hair from some falsely neglected bun at the end of the day; and the curls ended up balancing along her back in a feminine motion.

"It hurt like hell."

Karen frowned and looked down at Emma, a bit confused before her daughter's comment. Then she understood what the teenager was talking about. She didn't say a word though and swallowed the weight of a failed first time in silence.

Emma locked her eyes with her mother's and smiled bitterly.

"He told me that it would be okay but he went too fast and it hurt like hell. It probably lasted two minutes or so. He left then and I felt dirty, completely alone. We did it one more time and he broke up with me. I'm not a slut, mom. I only slept with him twice and that's all. And I don't want to do it again."

Emma's pride was as strong as Karen's one. She swallowed back her tears with the strength of non-sense, just because crying in public would make her look fragile. Karen was unable to make the slightest gesture before her daughter's pain. She was thinking about the past, her own one; and how it seemed to repeat with cruelty, with a singular similarity. She understood way too well what Emma was feeling now.

"I'm sorry, honey."

The sincerity of her tone surprised Emma who hadn't been expecting support but a series of questions, the guy's name perhaps. She had already pictured Karen rolling her eyes and shrugging, almost happy before the fact that it hadn't gone well. Her heart warmed up.

"Is your first time a good memory?"

Karen frowned and made a face; shaking her head slowly. She hugged tightly Emma against her chest and put an end to the conversation in a regretful murmur.

"Not really…"

_I didn't get any sleep. I was too tired for that, too anxious and completely lost. The bus stopped every hour or so and people kept on stepping in; strangers with the same despair lighting up their eyes. I turned around and looked at myself in the reflection of the window. My features were deep and I was livid but what caught me in the first place was the distress in my gaze. I had become a part of them; a soul with no name, rushing away in the darkness of the night with a lonely suitcase, a travel bag, as the conclusion of a ruined life._


	6. And you go too far

**_And you go too far_**

The bag slid on her waist, ready to fall down. In a gesture of anticipation Karen squeezed it between her hip and the wall while she opened the door of the flat with her key. She came in, followed by Grace, as loud beats of some hardcore music pierced their ears painfully and unexpectedly. Karen sighed, exasperated; then rolled her eyes and walked up the corridor with a boiling whirl of anger rushing to her mind. She was tired and already had a slight headache. All she was looking for was a restful moment of silence, a friendly talk over a cup of coffee until Will and Jack arrived. Blinded by her frustration, she froze while reaching the living-room; feeling stupid all of a sudden, ridiculous with her mouth wide open and her hands clutched to the brown bags like some pitiful shield over her indignation. Grace stopped next to her, obviously taken aback by the scene too.

Karen looked down and blushed, ashamed that her friend had to witness such a moment. Emma was laid down on the couch, top off. She was roughly making out with some guy while a bottle of whisky was resting on the coffee table, as well as the rest of what Karen hoped Grace didn't have a clue about what it was but that she herself knew very well; or , better said, what she used to.  
Her anger didn't vanish but it got swallowed by a wave of ice and very slowly, Karen put down the bags she had been holding on the kitchen table then headed to the stereo to shut it off. The teenagers jumped.

"Oh, fuck it!"

Emma grabbed her t-shirt and put it back quickly as the guy looked at Karen and Grace with horror in his eyes. He cleared his voice and frowned.

"Perhaps I should go."

"Yes, that would be great. Thank you."

Even Grace jumped before Karen's low and cold voice. Her usual high-pitch tone seemed to have been wrapped into the depths of a terrifying and controlled anger. It didn't take the teenager five seconds to reach the door and disappear.

Emma's sigh suddenly caught the attention. She passed a hand through her hair and shook her head at Karen.

"What have you just done? Who do you think you fucking are?"

Karen's manicured nails engraved raged little drawings in the palms of her hands as she clenched her fists and tried to calm down her loud breath. If she had had to be honest, she only felt like crying; asking her daughter in silence the reason why it had turned this way, what she had done. She almost wanted to apologize to Emma for not having been able to give her daughter all the required strong bases of a normal and healthy life. She locked her eyes with the teenager's ones.

"I'm your mother so I highly recommend you watch your mouth the next time you will be addressing me. Is that clear enough?"

Emma scoffed as a falsely laugh slid on her lips. She raised her eyebrows and came closer to Karen.

"Or what…?"

Karen closed her eyes for a couple of seconds as the smell of whisky went to her head. It made her sick. She studied the paleness of Emma's skin, the way her gaze seemed so far; completely off. And behind this wall of drug and alcohol, her distress was being drowned by the strength of abandon.

Karen bit her lower lip. She used to look like that the night she had gone away.

"You were having your way on the couch in the middle of the afternoon, drunk and high… What kind of image are you trying to get of yourself? It's shockingly disgusting and worst of all is that you know it is."

"Well I must have got that from you."

"Emma!"

Grace's voice got lost somewhere in the air as Karen felt how her heart seemed to slow down with the seconds passing by until it reached the bottom of her despair and she felt empty, lifeless. Emma looked at Grace before going to her room, thus putting an end to the argument.

It hadn't hurt her but simply stolen her last breath with vehemence and a sharp cruelty that it took her a couple of seconds before coming back to reality. Grace hadn't moved from her spot and she was staring at her with indecision; unsure of the next gesture she was supposed to make.

Without controlling the slightest thing, Karen rushed to the coffee table and proceeded to clean up but her movements were too nervous and resulted pointless, no matter how much she could wish that everything got erased. Grace kneeled down next to her and grabbed her wrists to stop her.

"It's going to be alright, Karen."

"No it's not and we all know that."

Her sobs got stifled in Grace's arms.

_We arrived in the early morning after a couple of days; of endless roads and creepy, impersonal gas stations where people seemed to be wandering through like suffering souls. I was sleeping when the bus stopped so I didn't see Manhattan approach like in those movies. I looked by the dirty window; people were walking quickly, lost in their thoughts. I had come there to be forgotten though for some reason, I wanted them all, all these strangers to know me and envy the person I would become one day; a sort of anonymous fame._

"We can't go on like that, honey."

Karen looked up at Will from her seat and frowned, trying to swallow back her tears. The calm had come back over the house but the silence was way too heavy to sound normal, peaceful. He made his way to her then sat down on the floor; caressing her cheek. He leaned over and whispered against her lips.

"I love you."  
She let him kiss her, bitterly; yet hopeful.


	7. Maybe there's hope

**_Maybe there's hope_**

Karen frowned, looking at Lois with the weight of doubt upon her shoulders. An awkward silence was reigning over the living-room as the past seemed to rush back to their minds with the sharpness of those memories we all would prefer to forget. Emma finally appeared and instinctively Karen made a step backward. She bumped against the countertop, blushed and finally looked down.

"Okay, I'm ready. Let's go!"

The teenager stretched out her arms and winked at her grandmother then grabbed her shoulder bag.

"Have a nice afternoon…"

Emma's gaze stopped on Karen but she didn't say a word, vaguely nodded before turning her back at her. Karen closed her eyes and swallowed back a wave of tears; huddled against Will. Lois smiled at her peacefully and left with Emma.

Everything had got worse since the afternoon she and Grace had walked in on her daughter making out on the couch. All the exchanged words had belonged to a cruel and painful world of basics since then. Something had got broken, a latent injury they hadn't taken care of and it had opened up widely, damaging their relationship with an impressive irreversibility. The evenings had turned dark, way too quiet until the day Will had suggested Lois' help.

It had sounded ridiculous and still did. After all Lois was the reason why she had left home in the first place but before her own distress, Karen felt disarmed; disoriented. And she was ready to try anything in order to save the last pieces of her relationship with Emma. She just hoped it wasn't too late yet.

The door got slammed and she didn't move, lost in her wonders. Will passed his arm around her waist. She turned and settled against him before locking her eyes with his brown ones. She bit her lower lip and at this exact moment Karen felt like apologizing. She had failed at something they had built together. He had trusted her enough but for some reason she had messed it up because it wasn't just about adolescence. Grace's own daughter was twelve and she looked nothing like Emma at the same age. Even Olivia hadn't been so harsh, so difficult to understand. Mason had been adorable; she hadn't bothered to catch the occasion and he was dead now.

Will's hand travelled through her hair and she leaned her face on his shoulder then closed her eyes.

Lois looked around her before focalizing back on Emma. The coffee shop was small, very friendly. Shelves had covered up the walls and books were everywhere while a fireplace was on in some corner. The flames were dancing quietly, getting reflected on the ceiling.

"So do you come here very often?"

Emma nodded and smiled brightly. Her hands were clutched to a multicolored mug of tea. It matched with her persona, all this purple, turquoise, pink and orange she perpetually wrapped herself in. That was why Lois would never confuse her with Karen. As much as Emma looked a lot like her own daughter, the difference was that Karen had always been darker. Emma seemed happy at the end when Karen used to look lifeless; depressed.

"I like its quietness. I feel fine here, like at home. It's my shelter when she gets on my nerves."

Lois brought her own mug to her lips in order to hide a gasp. She hadn't expected to make any allusion to Karen so quickly. Somehow she was glad that Emma had made the first step. At least it meant that the teenager was conscious of the problem.

"Do you know how your mother was when she was your age?"

Emma frowned, narrowed her eyes.

"Yes, she ran away in the middle of the night and ended up here, in Manhattan. She's used to saying that life with you was a hell of a nightmare."

Lois raised an eyebrow, touched by the confession. She sighed.

"She's right. I haven't been a good mother and even less a model to…"

"She's not a bad mother. I love her, I really do. It's just…"

A baby began to cry in the background but it ceased almost immediately and the calm came back. Emma locked her eyes with her grandmother's. She didn't see her a lot but she really appreciated this eccentric woman who insisted to be called by her name and certainly nothing that would relate her to the status of grandparent. She could barely believe all the things Karen kept on saying about her.  
She shrugged and sighed; shaking her head.

"It's just that sometimes I wish she weren't so quiet. I wish she told me to stop and not just look down and let it go. She's my mother, not my friend. But she has no authority on me; nothing. And it gets on my nerves. That's why I push her. She doesn't react though…"

Lois tightened her grip on the mug. Emma was smart and had great skills to analyze situations. She was mature in spite of everything. And she felt hurt.

"I never let go of anything with your mother. That's why she left. We were arguing all the time. She wanted references when all I had to offer her was an insecure life. But I never looked down just abused my authority. It didn't work out well either and it probably settled down her current fears. She's just afraid to lose you as I did with her. And so she simply tries not to repeat our mistakes."

"But I don't want to go away…"

"She didn't want to either."

_Mario was fourteen years old and alcohol had already engraved its weight on his features. He used to say that he had left home the year before but as time was passing by his speech was losing any common sense. He was sweet though, desperately lacking love. I met him on Washington Square and he gave me the address, written down on a silver paper from which he had meticulously absorbed white powder; previously, before I came up. He called me 'Dorothy' because like in The Wizard of Oz, all I was looking for was my way back home._

Emma waved at Lois around nine in the evening. She entered the flat, walked towards the living-room and frowned. Karen had fallen asleep in front of the television. She looked tired and sad. Without really knowing why the teenager made some steps forward and covered her mother's body with a blanket. She leaned over and planted a kiss on her head; whispering.

"It's cold tonight."

She went to her bedroom and closed the door quietly, unaware of the fact that Will had witnessed the whole scene from the darkness of the fire escape.


	8. Portrait

**_Portrait_**

Karen laughed heartedly as Jack began to run after Jude, Grace's daughter. She looked at them go away in a sigh of satisfaction and well-being, a sentiment she hadn't felt for a very long time like a sort of abandon before the world when you knew that everything would be fine. She took off her high heels and made her stockings slide to her ankles. She got rid of them as well and let the grass caress her skin. It was a fresh touch, subtle and furtive like a stolen kiss. She looked up at the limpid blue sky then walked peacefully towards the little pier. The shades of the wood had faded away under the years; drying under the sun, washed by the rain. She sat down on it, wishing that nothing had changed.

If she had closed her eyes, Karen would have probably pictured out the long afternoons she used to spend there in the backyard with her father. Jack and Jude's screams reminded her of a time when everything sounded right, logical. She belonged to a family and had a home, a real one. Something pinched her heart; she frowned. She was thinking a lot about him lately. Until then it had just been a matter of cycles, more or less regular. But now the need was oppressive, sharp. She wondered how he would have reacted the day she would have told him that she was expecting a child, how he would have looked at her at the maternity; what he would have thought of Emma. A strand of hair caressed her face as the wind blew suddenly. She pushed it away and smiled melancholically. He would have been proud, so proud.

Up in the old oak tree, Emma settled against the trunk and observed her mother below. When she was seven years old, the teenager had built by herself a sort of wooden base lost among the thick branches and she had declared that it was her own place and nobody but her was allowed to climb into it. She had always spent an impressive amount of time up there, alone. Her parents had respected her decision and nobody had ever come to know the slightest bit of her activities.

She grabbed a sheet of paper while her eyes remained fixed on Karen. The sun produced a pale light that matched the millionaire's complexion; she was frowning, observing Manhattan on the other side of The Hudson but her gaze was blank. She was probably lost in her thoughts. As usual it came from her heart, a sort of powerful warmness that began to boil before finally rushing through her veins and without noticing it, Emma was drawing feverishly. She forgot everything then and the world seemed to be lighter as if all her tension was escaping through the charcoal her fingers were holding.

All of a sudden, Will and Grace arrived from the left of the house, still on their bikes. They had gone for a walk a couple of hours earlier through the quiet roads along the river. They did that a lot, take some time for them. Emma knew how close they could be and sometimes she wished she had witnessed what their life used to look like before her. Her mother's pregnancy had changed a lot of things, put an end to a long period of time during which the roots of their so peculiar friendship had strengthened and been fatal to a couple of people who had tried to be a part of them. For having lived with them for almost sixteen years now, Emma knew that Grace and Jack would never find their soul mates. They would keep on trying of course but in the depths of their subconscious, it was a dead-end path. It had worked out for Will and Karen only because they formed this friendship.

Will abandoned his bike near the pier and came to sit down next to Karen. Emma frowned, narrowed her eyes to look at them. They were speaking, their gazes plunged in each other's one as only a few inches separated their faces. The teenager couldn't hear them from her tree but still, she could perceive the sweetness of their smiles playing on their lips. Will passed a hand around Karen's waist. They were in love; in the most natural meaning of the word. They didn't pretend anything, didn't try to fight against time. They took life as it came and became thus the exact essence of envy. Emma smiled, wishing nothing but being as lucky as them.

_I saw a little girl got shot in the middle of the street. I witnessed a car crash and the flames of a fire dancing through the broken windows of a building. I heard people scream in the night, the metallic clicking of the trigger when you pull on it. I tried heroine, ecstasy, LSD and shit. I got too drunk to even remember my name. I learned about New York and how its face changes when the sun disappears at the end of the day. There're rules to respect, people to avoid. I took part in a hold-up while a minute before I was eating a hot-dog at the corner of some avenue; bad moment, bad choice. You're way too weak when you're sixteen. I should have never lived any of these things._

The night had fallen over New Jersey for quite a while yet. They had finished the dinner and Jude and Emma had gone to bed. Leaned on the French window of the living-room Karen was observing the sparkling buildings of The Upper West Side getting reflected in The Hudson. A whirl of wind suddenly spread and the leaves of the trees began to hum a gentle lullaby. A white square flew away in the air, just in front of her eyes. She looked at it, astonished; then went out to pick it up as it landed on the grass. It was a sheet of paper. She turned it around and stayed still, observing in silence her own charcoaled portrait. The lines were precise, firm and mature; extremely realistic. Karen recognized Emma's handwriting at the bottom of it;_ Autumnal prelude, portrait. _


	9. When I'm sixtyfour

_When I'm sixty-four_

The first notes sounded loud in the living-room and Karen smiled as warmness spread over her skin, wrapped up her heart. She abandoned the magazine she had been leafing through and turned around, looked at Will. At the beginning of their relation, she had wondered if the odd sentiment that seemed to set off as soon as she saw him would ever cease, fade away. It had scared her, stolen her nights because she felt so fine while being with him that if everything had to come to an end, she would simply die. A lot of years had passed by since this moment of incertitude and she had forgotten about her fears. Perhaps it was love, the way it had to be like a perpetual movement, always stirred up by a mysterious chemistry. And she felt light, then.

She made her way to him and grabbed his hands. They started dancing slowly, following the rhythm of the music; humming shyly. Her stomach was brushing his hip. Her eyes were lost in his brown ones. As Will passed his hand around her waist and made her come closer to him, Karen realized how much she had missed those moments. They hadn't occurred for quite a while, way too long. When Emma was young the three of them shared everything and all she could remember was their laughs, their smiles. The flat was in a constant happiness that had disappeared in a sudden sharpness, for whatever reason. And their days had turned darker, heavier.

Their awkward movements led them further in the tiny room and they burst out laughing while bumping on the couch, the fireplace. They didn't care. The song was guiding them in a frenetic and peculiar atmosphere that was way too good to pay attention to the rest.

Focalized on their improvised dance, they didn't hear the door get open. Jack, Emma and Grace entered the flat and went straight to the living-room holding grocery bags. They looked up and stopped, perplexed; amused and charmed. Will and Karen were lost in each other's arms, singing badly but with such a cuteness that you couldn't help green with envy. They were happily in love, no matter the time passing by; no matter the fact they were getting older. Their life seemed to have found a logical balance in spite of their daily worries and they were surely stronger for being two as if they had turned into the exact essence of nature.

Karen turned around and blushed as she saw the unexpected audience. She didn't stop though. Her fingers slip along Will's and she walked towards Emma, winced at her; sang out loud.

"Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm sixty-four?"

The teenager rolled her eyes then shook her head before replying.

"Well we'll see that next year then, right?"

Karen scoffed and put an instinctive hand over her chest, shocked by the fact her daughter had dared to mention she could actually be that old. Will bit the inside of his mouth to restrain a laugh as Grace smiled brightly; Jack coughed.

_I did miss her a lot at the beginning, especially when the night was falling down and Manhattan turned into a frightening cold city. The shadows of the buildings seemed to be chasing after you. The streets were too large, too long. Sometimes I stopped my aimless wander. I looked around and thought about home; the place I was supposed to call like that. I had had so many "homes" that I had lost the real meaning of it. I had lost faith in a family spirit. But still, by then I fantasized about the people I had left behind: my sister, my mom. I was kind of sure that they had barely noticed my departure when all they had actually done was try to hide their tears under a layer of thick makeup. And then I was off whilz thinking about them, back there but nothing happened; no hug, no argument. I thought I was dead and it was too late._

"Why have you never married Will?"

The question took Karen aback and the hairbrush stayed suspended in the air. She blinked, trying to make the room vanish, the whole world.

"And why would I have done that, honey?"

Jack shrugged and leaned his chin on the palm of his hand. His blue eyes caught up the reflection of her darker ones in the mirror.

"You've been together for so long… I think it's kind of evident."

"A marriage is a dead-end. I don't want to lose Will. I love him too much for that."

"A big party would have been awesome though…. You would have been so pretty. Now all we have is Emma's sweet sixteen. Are you already thinking about anything special?"

Karen froze and swallowed hard. After a couple of seconds she simply shook her head slowly but her gaze was so blank that you couldn't help thinking she had already left the place, somehow, in her head.

What if she opened the door of her daughter's bedroom on her sixteenth birthday and came to face nothing but the harsh realization that Emma was gone? Her heart would probably slow down and hurt until it stopped and if it didn't then she would put an end to her life by herself. After all she had always claimed for independence so it was fair that she decided about her death. What if Emma went away and they never saw each other anymore? What if her past just got repeated?

The image of Lois passed through her mind. She closed her eyes, frowned. Her nails dug curved paths in the palms of her hands as she clenched her fists. How could she have been so awful and gone away like that in the middle of the night? She had ruined her mother's life, her sister's life; her own one.


	10. The last thing to do

**_The last thing to do_**

The taxi drove off; she looked by the window. The city had never seemed so sad, so cold and artificial unless what people used to take as the charms of Manhattan were only details that depended from moods and more or less dark minds. Your own feelings got reflected then in the colors of the buildings, the passers-by; every single sound inhabiting the streets. Karen finally closed her eyes and swallowed back her tears; clenched her fists. She would have loved to say something but the slightest word was running away from her lips, getting all blurry in her head and so she couldn't speak.

Sat on the other end of the seat, Emma sighed and stretched out her legs. Her shoulder bag was resting on her lap sagely. She passed her fingers over the purple cotton fabric of it and began to draw invisible patterns. Something weighed upon her shoulders, made her heart sore. It wasn't regret but probably anger. She glared at her mother and frowned. They didn't know each other and had way too many things in common. That was surely why they didn't get on well that much. If only they could have been closer, perhaps things would be different. She closed her eyes too and leaned against the window. For the moment they were stuck and it was getting worst.

Karen paid the driver and they climbed the stairs of the building in silence; came in the flat. Emma followed her mother to the living-room but Karen stopped and didn't turn around to face her. With her coat still on, she seemed to be observing the wall blankly, not ready at all to throw a fit; no matter how justified it could be.

"Mom…"

The teenager couldn't help but gasp as Karen finally looked at her. Her features were deep, her skin almost livid while her hazel eyes had lost their sparkling flame in a veil of thick tears. She shook her head at Emma in an exhausting motion.

"Why are you doing that? You're a brilliant student, a very smart person but why do you keep on doing these things to you and to us? You're ruining your life…"

Karen's frustration was coming out through waves of murmurs as if she had reached a stage of anger where the words were too sharp to be shouted out loud unless she just couldn't handle it anymore. She was resigned, hopeless.

The police offense paper slid between her fingers and landed quietly on the hardwood floor. She didn't pay attention to it. Her eyes were locked on Emma, trying to understand what was happening in the teenager's mind but she didn't get it at all.

"Well as you just said this is my life so I can do whatever I want with it."

Emma had hesitated a lot before allowing herself to give such reply. She knew that the moment was tense, critic. And she wasn't sure that provocation was the best tone to use. She realized her mistake very quickly as Karen made a few steps towards her, narrowing her eyes. The look she had sent shivers to Emma's spine but an ounce of pride made the teenager raise her chin defiantly.

"This might be your life but if you're stupid enough to make of it a piece of shit then you can be sure that I won't ever let you do that."

"You have no right over it and you know it. If I feel like getting high one more time in Washington Square with some pals then I will do it again. I don't give a flying fuck about what you can think about it or the fact I can get arrested again. I'm going to tell you one thing…"

"No, you're going to listen to me because I'm your mother and according to the behavior you had today I'm definitely the only adult in this room."

Emma jumped, surprised by her mother's sudden change of tone. She had expected the dead-end argument that would have sent her to her bedroom and certainly not the menacing tone that Karen was using now. It wasn't even her voice but the way she seemed to be in control of her nerves. It had never occurred before.

"There's no way you repeat all the mistakes I made when I was your age because if you think that your life is already a hell then believe me you haven't seen anything yet."

"I'm not like you. I won't end up on the sidewalk pleading men for a $10 blow-job and accept then to marry the first millionaire I find just to get the hell out of there and spend all my fucking money on more expensive drugs before finally getting my way with my gay friend. You might be a fucking heartless slut but just because you're my mother doesn't mean that I look like you. You're just disgustingly pitiful."

The contact of Karen's hand on Emma's cheek resounded loud in the flat and they both jumped, surprised by the gesture. The teenager's jaw started shaking; she shook her head and left the living-room in a whisper.

"I wish you were dead."

She wouldn't have been able to say how long she stayed there, looking blankly at the wall in front of her while her hand was still shaking. She had never hit her daughter before and as much as it was supposed to be relieving and fair, all Karen could feel now was deep shame.

_I had forgotten about the paper and the address I had been given until the day I tried to escape from a weird man and while leaning against a wall, at the corner of some street, I plunged my hands in the pockets of my jacket and felt it. Everything was turning into a pure nightmare. I was starving, the snow had started falling and I knew that I was reaching the end, nervously. Every single night I was wishing nothing but waking up to realize that it had just been a bad dream but when I looked around and felt the dirt invade my bones, burning my heart, I knew how much it was real. I didn't have enough money to buy a bus ticket and come back home but I reassured myself with the idea that anyway, they had probably moved out again. I finally followed the indication on the crack paper and went to the address, not knowing what to expect from it. I had no idea that it would save my life and put me back on track; make me breathe._


	11. Epilogue

**_Epilogue_**

Emma was born three months before Karen was due. Her waters had broken at the office and within a second a mask of oxygen had been put on her face. She had fallen asleep, not really understanding what was happening on the other line of the world, in the reality. She had let it go and succumbed to her dreams in a coward motion until she had opened back her eyes and they had told her that she was a mother now. Her first instinct had been to brush her stomach, still vaguely swollen but not so hard anymore. Then she had turned her face on a side and blinked. There was no crib, no baby in the room. She had started panicking; called for Will but a nurse had come in and tried to ease her anxiety. She wasn't supposed to get any visit yet and her daughter was in intensive care.

This is how she had learned that her child was a girl. It had made her freeze but the tears had welled up suddenly in her eyes. A couple of hours later she had been allowed to see her for real, not just like in this picture that the staff had taken and on which you could barely see a human being behind the machines. Emma was so tiny. She looked so fragile that Karen hadn't dared to touch her in the first place, afraid that she might break a bone. And when finally her hand had made contact with the soft skin of the baby, she had apologized.

It was a powerful guilt that seemed to be emanating from her stomach before settling over her brain. She hadn't been able to give her child a proper and balanced beginning. Her body had rejected Emma somehow. She had taken it badly and even though Will had supported her all along, Karen had been fed with remorse until the day they had finally come back home with their daughter. It was on Christmas Eve and from then on they had all decided that it would be the date of Emma's birthday. It was more symbolic.

Karen had managed to put aside the difficult beginning of motherhood but the arguments set off by adolescence had plunged her back into uncertain wonders. Perhaps the connection that had been abruptly broken at the birth was the reason why they couldn't understand each other.

Karen sat up in bed and kissed Will's neck as her hand travelled through his hair. Her fingers slid on his waist. He turned around and caressed her cheek, pushing away a strand of hair from her face; planted a soft kiss on her lips. They had made love the night before and hadn't bothered so to put back their clothes on. The pale sun of December came to rest on their bare skin as they lay down again, taken away by the sweetness of their embrace. It was Christmas Eve, Emma's sixteenth one; and Karen was scared.

As she pulled the door of the center, she realized that the place hadn't changed. Same colors, same furniture; there was still a television on a corner that only got one channel. Karen tightened Will's hand and she made a few steps forwards. She had never come back there, not even sent money when she should have to. She had left them behind and pretended to draw a line under the center, no matter it had saved her life. She smiled timidly at Emma while they were waiting for the director of the place to meet them. It was required if she wanted to show the teenager what had been her home once.

The memories were rushing back to her mind, twirling around her heart. The dormitory was on the third floor and there were ten beds in it. She was sharing it with a girl named Viola; a sort of eccentric young adult who had told her once that her step-father had abused her and that was why she had decided to leave. The boys were sleeping on another floor and they all had a feeling to belong to a big family.

"May I help you?"

"Yes, my name is Karen Delaney and this is my daughter, Emma. I spent some time here when I was her age and I would like her to see it…"

The woman took off her glasses and frowned at Karen in silence for a few seconds before sighing heavily.

"Karen is that you? I'm Viola… We were in the same bedroom… You called me your big sister."

She couldn't believed she had abandoned them during all these years when her roommate had preserved it all and even made of it one of her main goals. It had to change.

_It was one of those shelters for homeless people but with the only difference that everybody was underage. We were teenagers, angry ones; a bit lost in the world but with the same aspirations at the end. We wanted love, comprehension; our mothers' arms and the warmness of home. I pushed the doors of the center on a Sunday evening. They offered me a bed, counseling and food. It was just a minimum, a cold base but it was still better than to stay out in the streets and spend the night wondering if we would ever wake up the next morning. I want you to observe it, Emma. I want you to keep in mind the distress in every single young girl or boy you're going to cross here. Nobody's fine but at least there's some hope; not that ridiculous. As much as they back each other up, it has nothing to do with the natural support of a family and when they turn the lights off, close their eyes, all they're thinking about is how fragile we are at sixteen years old. The streets aren't a place for anyone. I wish I could come backwards and erase my escape. Don't make the same mistake as me because I remember that night. _

_The moon was shining high and the terrible sentiment that I had just ruined my life was weighing heavily on my heart._


End file.
